This is a lesson I’m still learning. I am the one who always loses the keys or the cell phone. If you are looking for the culprit who put cereal in the freezer or the ice cream in the fridge, you can usually look to me. I programmed the marquee feature on my computer to remind me to Relax…Breathe. On the other hand, I can be quite the couch potato and can take this stillness thing a little too far. In fact, sometimes I just watch quizzically as my partner darts from project to project in what I call “terrier mode.”

The most popular course at Harvard right now is one about Positive Psychology. The professor of that class has seen the number of students expand from 8 (with two dropping out) a few years ago to a present size of about 1400. In his first class, he typically introduces something new to Harvard students, the purposeful moments of silence that he inserts into his classes to let complex ideas digest, to do something Harvard students rarely do: be still. I’m going to experiment with doing this in my own life. I think he may be onto something.

Noted author Roger Walsh once told the story of trying get in touch with Thich Nhat Hanh (a Vietnamese monk who was once nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by Martin Luther King, Jr). Thich Nhat Hanh has a retreat in France called Plum Village. Roger noted that if you call there, the phone will ring a bit until, finally, a monk answers. When he asked Thich Nhat Hanh about this issue, he was informed that the monks are taught to pause and take two breaths before answering. The sound of the telephone ringing is a reminder for the monks to be mindful. Consequently, when they do answer they can give full attention to the caller on the other end of the line. All because they have paused and are now acting with more awareness.

Our Western minds are so accustomed to a rapid, linear, flow of things.  A pause can cause discomfort, as if something is not quite right.                         See what I mean? We are familiar with “monkey-mind” and can become annoyed when initially asked to sit still and meditate. There is this sneaky feeling that I should be doing something, anything, and that maybe somebody else somewhere is doing something and getting ahead of me. I have learned that being still is actually a skill, or maybe an art form that takes practice. In Creating True Peace: Ending Violence in Yourself, Your Family, Your Community and the World, Thich Nhat Hanh has a number of suggestions. One is to create a “breathing room” for yourself and your family. This can just be part of a room. He recommends that it have some flowers and a few cushions. This is a refuge, a place to go to calm the mind, heart, and spirit. This can also be done with a simple ritual. One of the interns at my center has a simple tea ritual which calms him in the middle of the afternoon.

Research shows that pausing to savor experiences makes us happier. One way this can be done is to create a mental snapshot of the experience: the sounds, the sights, the tactile experience, the taste, the smells. The last time I did this was in Ashland, Oregon at an art show. I sat for a moment and just absorbed the experience. It was a gorgeous day, bright sunny and warm. There were stripes of color everywhere. Appetizing aromas were wafting from the back of the restaurants nearby. One artisan had handmade silks that were as soft as a whisper. The sounds of conversations between artists, musicians, tourists, and locals mingled together. Even as I write this, that day comes back vividly as a happy memory, mostly because I was learning to take the time to stop and savor a magical moment rather than thinking about what time the next Shakespeare play started or whether or not the teenagers were getting bored. Luckily they were busily savoring the costumes found in the local thrift stores.

Ironically, as I was writing this article, I had to stop in the middle. I had clothes to pack, a conference to attend, etc. I was so busy I could not finish the article. My mind had become too busy to finish an article about mindfulness! But life has a way of catching up with you. I caught a horrible cold and and am now typing this with kleenex close at hand. When you don’t take the time to stop, I guess your physical body forces you to do so. Now that I have been forced to stop, I appreciate the simple things: like being able to breathe out of both nostrils at the same time or the healing warmth of Vicks Vaporub on my chest. I keep reminding myself that there is beauty in this stillness.

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1. Buy someone a card and/or a small gift who is not expecting it. If you work in an office that has a helpful office manager, secretary, or administrative assistant, I highly suggest that this might be a good person to appreciate. These types of jobs are often underpaid and taken for granted, yet individuals in these positions are in highly visible, multi-tasking environments with multiple demands. If you have ever tried to answer ringing phones, direct incoming visitors, and answer questions from coworkers at the same time, you know what I mean. Whether you realize it or not, they make sure your day goes smoothly. If you are in one of these positions yourself, secretly leave a copy of this article in a common area and cross your fingers! Other ideas: the mailperson, the person at your favorite lunch place who is extra nice to you, the janitor, a friend who has been feeling down lately. Nurturing an attitude of gratitude has been proven to boost your own happiness.

2. Feel passionate about a cause? Contribute to an organization that embraces your ideals. Send a small donation or, better yet, volunteer your time. The internet is a treasure chest of ideas. For example, www.kiva.org is a fascinating organization that provides microloans to impoverished individuals throughout the world. You can pick the project and budding entrepreneur. There are no absolute guarantees that you will get your $25 back, but their repayment record is astonishing. You can feel more connected to others with this gift that keeps on giving. Local agencies sometimes have online newsletters that list items they need. My local humane society puts out a “wish list.” Many of those items cost less than $25.

3. Invest in Your future. Perhaps this means opening a savings account online with a better interest rate than is offered locally. I’ve heard good things about ING online or Emigrants Direct. Maybe this means checking out the local gym to see if they have cheap introductory yoga packages. Are there low-cost continuing education classes in your area that would interest you? Ask yourself what skills you would like to develop? Maybe you could barter services for lessons at www.craigslist.com.

4. Spoil yourself a little. After a long day at work, nothing feels better than a back massage, a facial, or a manicure or pedicure. Being touched is essential to the happiness of many people, even if this is in pampering, non-sexual ways. Check out your local area for massage schools or beauty schools. There may be students who offer students free or for reduced cost while they are learning. At the very least, you would be contributing to someone’s education. Or maybe you have a friend or loved one you could trade massages with. It could be fun to a group of friends together to give each other manicures or pedicures.

5. Put $25 in your gas tank and travel somewhere (close). It doesn’t get you as far as it used to, but challenge yourself to find something new and fun to do within the mileage limit you would have with $25. You could use part of the $25 to buy a disposable camera to record your Spontaneous Day of Joy. Send one in, and I’ll post it! If you don’t own a car, walk or ride a bike. Just see some new scenery.

6. Spend time with your pet(s) or hang out with someone else’s. Pet owners know that being around a pet is a great reminder to live in the moment. Research has proven that the effect is calming, markedly reducing blood pressure and increasing a sense of well-being. When was the last time you bought your pet a new toy? Took them on a special walk? Socialized them with other animals? Recall memories with favorite pets from your childhood. Pets are a model for unconditional love.

7. Find out what your top strengths are and use them in new ways. Go to this positive psychology website (www.authentichappiness.sas.upenn.edu) for the VIA signature strengths questionnaire, an online tool that assesses your personal strengths. Positive psychologists have found that using your strengths regularly and in new ways contributes to personal happiness. Best of all, it’s free! There’s also lots of other interesting information at this site of Martin Seligman’s, including ways of assessing your overall level of happiness.

8. Be a kid again. I love how quickly a 99 cent yo-yo can send me back in time to happy memories of childhood. Go to a local toy store and get something that makes you feel young again. Examples of great toys that are still fun: play-dough, nerf balls, balloons, slinky’s, matchbox cars, marbles, Twister, Operation, Silly Putty, coloring books, any kite. My favorite was my super-fast Big Wheels. I was a terror on that thing. I remember crying when I went over the 65 pound weight limit printed on the drive wheel!

9. Rent some comedies and have a movie night with friends. Everyone’s taste in comedy is a bit different. After surveying some of my friends, we recommend the following comedies: When Harry Met Sally, Talladega Nights, Little Miss Sunshine, Austin Powers, Rushmore, Animal House, Chalk, Election, Knocked Up, The Out-of-Towners, and the 40-Year-Old Virgin.

10. Fill your house with flowers from your local farmer’s market. Nothing makes me feel happier than bringing a bit of the outside into the inside. Support local growers and bring some color into your environment. This is an instant mood elevator for everyone who comes into your space. Put one or two on the windshield of your favorite person’s car. Give one to a child or an elderly person. It will feel like spring is already here.

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Did you know the Year of the Rat is almost here? According to my calendar, Chinese New Year is just around the corner on February 7th. While we are more likely to associate luck with the Irish, the Chinese culture has many traditions associated with luck at this time of year.

For example, one tradition is to start cleaning house before the holiday to sweep out the bad luck and prepare for good luck. According to wikipedia.com, brooms and dustpans are put away the first day of the holiday so that luck is not swept away. Food is usually cooked the day before, as lighting fires and using knives are considered bad luck on New Year’s Day. Money is given in red packets because the color red is thought to bring luck. The amounts are usually in even amounts (considered luckier) and would typically be $4 or $8 as these even numbers are particularly lucky. Opening windows and doors is considered lucky. Conversely, buying shoes or pants is bad luck as is wearing clothing in the colors black or white. (It would follow, I think, that black and white shoes and pants would be a very unfortunate thing.)

We all want to be lucky, yet how much of luck is what we make of it?

Positive psychologists have found that your happiness is comprised of about 50% temperament (our happiness “set-point,”) and 40% attitude. Only about 10% is attributable to the life circumstances we try so hard to orchestrate. It would appear that changing your attitude could have a considerable effect on your experience of being lucky. For example, I can think “What bad luck to have to experience a Pap Smear first thing on a Monday” or I could think, “How lucky am I to have insurance, to get this over with so early in the week, and that I have a great doctor. I could choose to focus on the fact that an instrument of torture that resembles duck lips is coming ever closer to some of my most treasured parts or I could consider myself fortunate that my doctor responds to my wisecrack about duck lips by making the duck lips move and mischievously squawking “Aflac!” Now that’s a great tension reliever if your feet are in stirrups and you are in a horribly unflattering position. (If you are a guy and are thinking right now I really wish she wasn’t talking about Pap Smears, you could choose to think instead, Geez I’m lucky I don’t have to have those. Aren’t you feeling luckier already?)

I know, in my own life, many of the events that I thought were bad luck turned out to be good luck later on when viewed from a different perspective. There is a tale from ancient China which reminds us that bad luck often turns out to be good and vice versa.

“An old man was living with his son at the top of a hill. One day, he lost a horse. The neighbors all came to express their sympathy at his bad luck, but the old man said, “How do you know this isn’t good luck?” A little later the horse came back and with it were some superior wild horses. The neighbors all congratulated the old man on his good fortune, but he said, “How do you know this isn’t bad luck?” With so many horses, the son began riding, and one day he fell off and broke his leg. The injury left him with a bad limp. Again the neighbors came to sympathize, but the old man said, “You never know—this may be good luck.” Another year passed, and a war came. All the able-bodied men had to go to war, and many died. The son, because of his bad leg, was saved. In this way, what seems to be good luck may really be bad, and what seems to be bad luck, good.” (From Li Zi, adapted by Lin Yutang)

Next time you are feeling unlucky, it may be helpful to ask yourself if there is a way to look at the situation in a more positive light. Even if you can’t think of one, perhaps it may be comforting to consider, “You never know if something is good luck or bad luck” like the wise old man in the story. As the Dalai Lama has pointed out, “Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”

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Like John and his hot dog cart, New Orleans is back open for business. Preservation Hall has still been preserved. Café Du Monde still serves beignets (which are addictively sinful donut-like pillows covered in confectioner’s sugar). However, entire areas (many low-income) have yet to be rebuilt and sit as sad reminders of the toll on the city’s most vulnerable citizens. But Mardi Gras goes on jubilantly again and again. Beads will be hanging from the trees on St. Charles after the parade like they have for decades. It is a city that took quite a shiner, laid flat on the mat for a bit, but has roused itself again, even exclaiming cavalierly “ les bons temps rouler (Let the good times roll!”) New Orleans has always drawn interesting people to it, sometimes those with shady pasts or those who are down on their luck. It has always had a bandage for the broken-hearted and offered hope to those who needed a second chance. And now it is the city herself still needing a few bandages years later but thriving on hope and a certain joie de vivre. It is a city full of music, much of it the sound of many marching to a different drummer.

Historically, we are not very good predictors of our own ability to bounce back from adversity. We are besieged with anxiety and hypervigilance. Yet researchers are finding that resilience, in humans, is more the rule than the exception. They have found that people can rebound quite remarkably from amazing challenges. Being able to adapt gives you a great evolutionary advantage, so adapt we do. The disadvantage may be that we adapt too easily to our pleasures which often become tedious and short-lived. The advantage is that pain can usually only last so long.

The American Psychological Association has developed suggestions for fostering resilience. Here is a very brief version taken from their handout called “The Road to Resilience.”

1. Make connections.

2. Avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.

3. Accept that change is a part of living.

4. Move toward your goals.

5. Take decisive actions.

6. Look for opportunities for self-discovery.

7. Nurture a positive view of yourself.

8. Keep things in perspective.

9. Maintain a hopeful outlook.

10. Take care of yourself.

The great Southern writer, William Faulkner, once wrote in his acceptance speech for the Nobel Prize:

“I decline to accept the end of man. It is easy enough to say that man is immortal simply because he will endure: that when the last ding-dong of doom has clanged and faded from the last worthless rock hanging tideless in the last red and dying evening, that even then there will still be one more sound: that of his puny inexhaustible voice, still talking. I refuse to accept this. I believe that man will not merely endure: he will prevail. He is immortal, not because he alone among creatures has an inexhaustible voice, but because he has a soul, a spirit capable of compassion and sacrifice and endurance.”

I believe these are some of the most elegant and uplifting words ever written in the English language, so beautiful, in fact, that one only wishes that humanity will live up to the faith that Faulkner placed in us. The doomsayers are everywhere, reminding us that the stock market is tanking, the Mayan calendar is ending in 2012, and we are under constant threat from an “Axis of Evil.” Despite all this, I want to believe that Faulkner knew something about human nature. Perhaps, the real “axis of evil” lies within us in the “Three Poisons” described by the Buddhists: greed, anger, and foolishness. The most basic is foolishness which is used to mean ignorance of the true meaning of life, blindness to the reality of our interrelatedness to others. I am hoping that this interconnectedness, coupled with the spirit of compassion and sacrifice and endurance Faulkner so poetically described, is the key to prevailing.

Notice that the first tip listed above for building resilience urges connections with others. Daily life brings us emotional hurricanes of different magnitudes. To survive, we must reach out to each other. Each day we choose our focus: greed, anger, or foolishness (ignorance) which distances us from each other —or compassion, sacrifice, and endurance which bonds us with each other. Either way, in a very real sense, we are all in the same boat. Hopefully, someone remembers to bring the beignets.

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1. I survived a cross-country round-trip from California to Florida without the 737 becoming a lawn dart and

2. I did not get kicked in the head by any goats. Sometimes life is good.

There are very few things I hate worse than flying. Public speaking, pantyhose, toilet paper rolls with no discernible starting point, news coverage of Brittany Spears, and filing might be close. So it might seem strange for someone like me to sing the praises of an airline, especially one in which I do not own stock. But I have a fondness for Southwest Airlines which borders on religious devotion. I may not be the most relaxed flyer on the plane, but thanks to the comfort of Southwest (and perhaps one teeny weeny Xanax), this trip I was actually able to get out of my seat a few times to use the bathroom, a feat I consider as terrifying and dangerous as the Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. I may have even nodded off for a few minutes at one point. Anyway, flying Southwest makes me about as happy as I can be at 40,000 feet, and here are 11 Reasons I consider them the Feel Good Airline:

1. Arriving alive—-No passenger fatalities in the history of the airline.

If you are a fearful flyer, as I am, you are probably obsessed with statistics regarding airline safety. Check out Southwest’s safety record. They have been around since 1971 and fly over 3,300 flights each day. However, they have never had a passenger fatality. While this might just be luck, my guess is that there are some corporate factors that contribute to this (maintenance, staff morale, etc) including some of the ones I’ll mention below. One factor may be that they only fly planes in the 737 family for ease of training, etc. So no confusion over where the controls are here. In an emergency where split seconds may count, I like knowing that my pilot probably knows the location of the controls in his sleep.

2. Sense of humor.

This is an airline company that knows how to have fun. The book Nuts! Southwest Airlines’ Crazy Recipe for Business and Personal Success talks about how Southwest has fun as a major part of its way of doing business. This may include humorous commentary from pilots flight (such as when our pilot came on the loudspeaker saying “Whoa big fella!” during some turbulence outside of Chicago to flight attendants bursting into short songs. One flight attendant thanked us for flying Southwest and jokingly reminded us that “No one loves you or your money more than Southwest.” I have also heard of takeoffs where a toilet paper roll was unfurled down the aisle and everyone on the row where it stopped when the plane leveled off got free drinks. During my most recent flight, they also updated us frequently on the scores of the NFL playoff games going down below.

3. High employee morale.

Highly unionized, but still able to keep costs down, Southwest was the first in the U.S. airline industry to adopt a profit-sharing plan with its employees in 1973. According to Southwest’s website, through this and other employee plans, employees own over 80% of the company. In the years they participated in the Fortune 100 Best Businesses to Work For, they consistently ranked in the top 5. I like knowing that the people taking care of me feel that they are being taken care of as well. That means no disgruntled employees checking the maintenance of my plane, routing my luggage to Hawaii just for fun, or glaring at me as I go by.

4. Inexpensive.

Despite the pressures on U.S. Airlines today, Southwest has been one of the most financially stable and profitable of all of the domestic airlines. Yet I was still able to get a round trip ticket across the country at dirt cheap prices. In fact, Southwest’s average passenger airfare is only $105.37. They use a variety of cost-saving measures such as fuel hedging (buying extra fuel beforehand if they think the cost is going up) and using many secondary airports. Very few affect the customer, although I must admit if you are looking for first-run movies at your seat or gourmet cuisine they may not be the airlines for you. Unless you are a rabid fan of whipped cheese, salami sticks, and gerbil-sized packets of peanuts, I suggest stowing a few extra snacks in your carry-on bag for long flights.

5. Good ethics.

Southwest has been consistently named as one of the 100 Best Corporate Citizens for the past several years. On our flight, they made sure to let us know that they recycle as they cleaned up our aluminum cans. In Fortune magazine’s 2007 survey of businesspeople, Southwest ranked 5th on the list of most admired companies in any industry. This placed them just ahead of Fed Ex, Apple, and Google which were 6th, 7th, and 8th respectively. For years, the company has been a major financial supporter of the Ronald McDonald Children’s Charities.

6. Great customer service.

Southwest has one of the best on-time arrival and departure rates of any airline in the business with over 80% rate. All of my connections flights either arrived early, from a few minutes to an entire half hour. They have the fewest complaints per number of passengers of any U.S. airline. Last year, Southwest was named to Business Week’s list of “Customer Service Champs.” Sometimes it’s the little things that count. While we were waiting for boarding to start, the announcements for passengers were purposely timed to coincide with commercials, rather than interrupt the football playoff games which had started. A small consideration, but one that was appreciated nonetheless.

7. New and better boarding procedures.

I’ve had friends who’ve avoided Southwest because of their boarding procedure in the past, but those days are over. Before, it was first-come, first-served within each boarding group. It was a bit inhumane; I always felt like we should be mooing and watching for border collies. Early-birders started lining up an hour before departure. So you either developed cramps in your legs from standing so long or got stuck with the dreaded middle seat by default. Thanks to their new procedure, you can get your boarding passes 24 hours ahead and your place in line is reserved for you. Now passengers board in a much more civilized manner. Kneepads and helmets are no longer an advantage.

8. LUV is their middle name.

Well actually, LUV is their ticker symbol. While this probably has more to do with their corporate base of Love Field in Dallas, Texas, than an exhortation to love each other, I like it that Wall Street gets to feel the LUV. Call me a sucker, but their logo that has LUV with two wings makes me smile. While other industry leaders often spout catchy business jargon, the president of Southwest frequently mentions The Golden Rule as one which guides her company.

9. A motto decided by arm-wrestling.

Several years ago, Southwest came up with a catchy motto: Just Plane Smart. Problem was that another airline had used a very similar motto, “Plane Smart.” The conventional strategy would be to spend lots of money slugging this one out in court, but then Southwest is anything but conventional. Both airline presidents decided to let the winner of an arm-wrestling match get the rights to the motto. In addition, $15,000 would be donated to charity. The match was held a famed wrestling facility called the Dallas Sportatorium. Although Herb Kelleher, Southwest’s CEO at the time, lost the contest, the other airline president granted him permission anyway. Both companies saved their customer’s money by not giving it a lot of it to lawyers, got some good publicity, and most importantly had a good time with the whole thing. They have a new slogan now, but how can you not just love that chapter in their history?

10. An Eye on Diversity.

The current President of Southwest Airlines is Colleen Barrett, the first female with this position in the airline industry. She has an approachable, friendly look, reminding you of your favorite aunt. She has consistently been named as one of the most powerful women in business for several years. In 1992, Louis Freeman became the first African-American chief pilot of any Airline. Southwest has won several awards from Hispanic organizations for their leadership in the area of diversity, and they were among the first to offer Spanish-language online booking. The 2008 Guide to Gay and Lesbian Friendly Companies gives Southwest a 90 rating out of a possible 100. They are also well-known as a military-friendly company. I’m sure they aren’t perfect but it looks to me like their hearts in the right place.

11. A New Makeover for the Planes.

I was never a fan of the tan and orange colors better reserved for Burger King. Now they’ve added “canyon blue”, an attractive purple-blue hue that is a decided improvement. Because of the other 10 factors above, I’d probably fly Southwest if their colors were pea green and pink, but its nice to ride with a little style. The new color scheme seems to better fit their corporate persona to me, professional yet just a bit different.

There’s lots of ways to work on being a happier person. One is to use products and companies that exemplify the values you feel are important. You are not only what you eat, but also what you fly, drive, wipe up spills with, etc. Your money casts a vote of sorts. Who are you voting for?

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02/03/08 - Update, still thinking ….

04/03/08 - Had a bunch of great ideas for this article …. but just haven’t put it together yet …

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Don is also a car enthusiast–the kind whose whole face lights up at the mention of horsepower and torque. He personally restored a 1966 Ford Galaxy to all of its red, purring glory and enjoys riding it around town. He has been in, on, and around cars all of his life but had never been anywhere near his dream car: the Ford GT40, a stunner of a car that had originally been a racing machine, a 4-time winner of the LeMans and capable of jaw-dropping speeds. It was this dream that his best friend, Glen, decided to make happen.

Now, you don’t just hang out at the neighborhood Ford dealership and test-drive a Ford GT40. Rare and expensive, most of us will never see one on the road. So Glen thought about other car enthusiasts and decided to write to the one person he could think of who might have a Ford GT40. He poured his heart and soul into a beautiful letter to celebrity Jay Leno, owner of close to 200 classic cars and motorcycles. A few weeks later the phone rang, and it was Jay himself. He was interested in seeing the Ford Galaxy (a model which had been owned by Jay’s mother). Yes, Jay is a proud owner of a Ford GT40 and was more than willing to have the family stop by for a visit.

Fewer things are more difficult than keeping this kind of secret, but keep it we did. Don was told that his friend was paying for a trip to Southern California to see Disneyland and family members asked, “Wouldn’t it be fun to take the Ford Galaxy?” He was never informed that he was going to meet Jay Leno. When the family arrived in the Los Angeles Area, his friend told him that a fellow car-enthusiast wanted him to stop by so he could see his Ford Galaxy. Being the mellow, agreeable kind of guy he is, Don never asked questions, and was happy to meet another lover of fast cars.

After being taken into a non-descript warehouse area, the car stopped at a security area. Glenn was so excited that it took him four or five tries to input the correct code to open the fence. Eventually, the black fence parted and the cars stopped inside so that Glen’s “friend” could check out the Galaxy. A large-jawed, jeans-clad man appeared in the distance and headed towards the group. “Hey, it’s Jay Leno, Don stammered excitedly, “I’d know him anywhere. That’s Jay Leno!” He was in disbelief and could barely manage to talk. Jay came up to greet Don and the family and welcome him to his garage. The group went on a guided tour that car enthusiasts can usually only dream of. Every kind of car and motorcycle imaginable was there, including some with interesting stories (Elvis’s bike), at least one which had achieved a speed record, and one that was one of the earliest electric cars (the favorite of Jay’s wife). Meanwhile, Jay went to warm up the dream car.

At the end of the tour, Jay pulled up in the revered red 2005 GT40 and asked Don to get in. Shortly after they left, Jay pulled over and had Don drive. Don said all he could think of was praying not to stall the thing. As they pulled up the driveway after a wild ride through the area, Don’s eyes were gleaming with childlike delight. The picture of him sitting in that car after his dream ride is, to me, the essence of happiness. His grin was as wide as his face. Jay jokingly exclaimed, “He almost killed me!”

So Don got his well-deserved dream, and his friend and family got a memory they will never forget (as well as autographed photos and a videotape). It got me thinking about how good a best friend Don has, and how we treat people when we know they don’t have much time left. Wouldn’t it be great if we always treated people this way? I mean, none of us really knows how much time we have left. If you thought that guy that cut you off in traffic only had a few days left, or if you did, how much time would you want to spend yelling angrily or giving him the finger? Somehow, it puts things in perspective.

Our fragile life has a way of reminding us that we need to live every day as if it were our last. One book, A Year to Live, sets a course for treating an entire year as if it were your last. How would it change your priorities? How would you want to be remembered? Some individuals with cancer have called the diagnosis a strange blessing because it causes them to perceive the little things differently. Some have said they only learned how to live once they learned they were dying. If you were writing your own epitaph, how would you want it to read? Do you have things you would want to say to people that you haven’t said? Do you have places you long to visit that you haven’t visited? Do you have a dream to attain or can you help someone else achieve theirs, as Don’s friend did?

I have never had a problem with birthdays. I’ve always considered it a little disrespectful to complain about them. After all, there are millions of people who never made it to my age. I think of the cheerful smiles of kids at St. Jude’s Hospital in Memphis, stoically living each day the best they can. The odds get better and better, but not all of them will make it. Living each day to our fullest honors ourselves, but it also honors those who didn’t get the chance to touch the beautiful, unfolding, fragile hands of today. I am rarely able to stay up at night past 10pm, but when I do, you can be sure I will be watching Leno on the Late Night Show and feeling an immense amount of gratitude.

—————————————————————-

My brother, Don died today May 6, 2008 at 3pm. I miss him terribly, he was strong, burly and kind hearted. I was astounded at so many lives he had touched and so many people full of respect and love for him that I have met. He was the most wonderful brother a person could have.
——— Kath

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I have a therapist at my office, one who specializes in treating anxiety, who likes to say FEAR=False Evidence Appearing Real. Sometimes I substitute Expectations instead of Evidence. It works about the same. I try to keep this in mind as my eyes dart around the plane looking for strong, smart-looking individuals who could save me in an emergency and vulnerable, cherubic kids that I would need to save. I am probably the only person who listens with rapt attention as the flight attendants give their pre-flight safety talk and who can tell you exactly how many rows of seats are between me and the door should a panic ensue. One time, on an Alaska Airlines flight, I confused the sound of the landing gear going back up into the plane after takeoff with the sound of both engines obviously falling off and the plane instantly becoming a giant lawn dart. Being a naturally imaginative person does not help you in this scenario.

Mark Twain once said, “I have had a great many troubles in my life, half of which never happened.” One article I’ve read noted research findings that 85% of the things we worry about actually end up having a positive outcome. Check out the article for some great tips for the chronic worrier (See http://www.cognitivetherapynyc.com/usatoday.pdf). Have I ever had a life-threatening emergency on a plane? No, few people have. In one class I took to address my fear of flying, they said that statistically more people in the U.S. had been killed by being kicked in the head by a goat the previous year than had been killed on a U.S. domestic flight. So now I can’t be around goats. Just kidding.

The point is that most of us have some fear of something, when what we need to be afraid of, as FDR said, is fear itself. In reality, the worst experience I have had on a plane is sitting right next to the bathroom on a long flight to Costa Rica. Need I mention that every child on the flight needed to go the bathroom repeatedly? This is where my fear should have been more realistically placed. I should have feared getting that particular seat on the plane, not just being on the plane. (By the way, some of those kids went on my list of Children Not to Save in Case We Become A Lawn Dart).

Barry Glassner’s book, The Culture of Fear, makes some good points. It suggests that the economy of the U.S. is largely fear-based. Advertisers make you feel fear in order to get you to buy their products. It is sometimes subtly presented but basically you have to buy this kind of product to be a manly man or this kind of soup to please your children or this kind of jewelry to make others think you are sexy. If you don’t buy life insurance, your children will never go to college. If we weren’t afraid of being or being perceived as ugly, uncaring, tacky, or some other terrible thing, we wouldn’t be motivated to buy, buy, buy. Dissatisfaction breeds consumers.

The news on television can fill you with anxiety. I had to change how I learn about the news. I made the decision to actively view the news rather than to passively sit there while the latest update on killer bees washes over me. So I get my updates from the internet now. I can see the headline and choose to pass on it. When watching television before, I would hear some things that I really didn’t need to hear before I could locate the elusive remote control. My point is that I don’t want to bury my head in the sand. I need to know what’s happening. But I also don’t want to be brainwashed by the media with messages about what a frightening world it is. The media has learned the same thing the advertisers have: Fear Sells.

But what a waste of time it is. As Mark Twain pointed out, most fears he had never happened. My plane to Costa Rica never became a lawn dart. Had I avoided taking it, I would have stayed in my comfort zone, but I never would have experienced the joys of learning about a new culture. Costa Rica is a country which years ago disbanded its military to spend the money on education and become one of the most literate countries in Central America. I would also have missed their friendly people, unusual fruit drinks, relaxing under the warm waters of a volcano-heated waterfall, and seeing a Jesus Christ lizard (which actually walks on water).

There is a Japanese story that describes fear as a painter who paints an image of a tiger on the canvas and then runs screaming from the painting. There is no real tiger there, only the image that he himself created in his mind. Although the painter appears ridiculous, don’t we all do this to some degree? The next time you are afraid, whether it is something large or something just beyond your comfort zone, think about the tiger. Is the fear justified, or is it mostly imaginary thinking? Is it worth devoting the negative emotional energy to it? What positives could you gain if what is feared doesn’t happen? Are you being driven by the not-being-good-enough messages of the advertisers and the media? Costa Ricans like to say, “Pura Vida” which literally means “pure life” but which means “fine” , “great” , “very well”, “everything ok” to Costa Ricans. And it is, when we spend less time worrying and more time being “purely” in the moment. Now if only I can remember this on my flight next week……

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Several years ago, I was going through a major life transition. I was looking at the end of an 11-year relationship and realizing I just wasn’t happy with myself. I felt stuck. Yes, I am a therapist who helps lots of other people get out of their stuck places, but I couldn’t get a handle on how to get out of mine. What do many wise people do when they need inspiration? That’s right. I turned to our friend Oprah Winfrey. It just so happened that on that day, a woman in the audience talked about something she had done. She had reached one of those important ages; I can’t remember which, 30, 40, 50? Anyway, she had decided to write a list of the (let’s say 40) things I want to do in my 40^th year. She talked about trying to take herself out of the box we all create for ourselves, the box of who we have decided we are. I don’t think you have to be 40 to have put yourself in a box. I know as a teenager, I had already decided I was this kind of person or only liked that kind of music. The problem is that once you’ve put yourself in this box, you don’t expose yourself to experiences that challenge that sense of you that you put in that box. If you decide, I don’t like country music; you might not ever expose yourself to some that you might like. Consequently, that perception stays fixed in the box.

For me, that particular Oprah show inspired me to write 42 Things I Want to do in my 42^nd Year. It seems to me, it would be just as easy to write 20, 30, or 42 Things I’d like to do in 2008, or whatever year you might be reading this. Writing the list itself was one of the most exciting things I had done in a while. Already, I felt a sense of adventure and liked that I was doing something, anything to get out of my rut. So I hadn’t even completed any of my 42 things and already liked myself better! (By the way, I didn’t get all 42 done but I did do the majority). I realized I was bored. And someone along the way once told me that people who are bored are boring themselves. So I needed to expand my contacts, my interests, and my possibilities.

Some of the items focused on ways to meet others. For example, my first item was to meet friends who weren’t therapists. Naturally, we align with people who have similar interests and values but suddenly I found that almost all of my friends were in my field. Wouldn’t it be nice to have other people, with different opinions and different experiences of the world, to challenge me? I tried to think of new skills or interests I could develop which would help to connect me with others. So on my list went items like: ask a stranger to dance, learn a new card or board game, perform anything in front of more than 5 people (a personal fear), initiate a social activity at least once a week, take a cooking class, try online dating (which led to my current partnership). I added learning guitar by picking just one song to learn on electric guitar: Red House by Jimi Hendrix. This was one of my favorite songs and gave me a clear, enjoyable goal. I am not a great guitar player now, but find that suddenly I am able to have conversations with other guitar players, even ones who are 16 or 61. I hadn’t expected this great new way to form connections. I also challenged myself to create a web page, to write a complete song, and to perform at least 3 home repairs without help. Learning new skills made me more interested in life and hopefully more interesting. Along the way, I learned that I didn’t hate all rap or hip hop music. I had made it a goal to find one that I liked. I ended up finding several. Other items on the list included things as diverse as going on a road trip spontaneously, learning how to download mp3s and learning how to make 5 basic cocktails. I still keep my list and hope to eventually accomplish them all, including attending a Buddhist ceremony.

Doing this list changed my life in big and small ways. One item on the list challenged me to buy 3 magazines I wouldn’t normally buy and read them. I even found an article in Popular Mechanics that intrigued me. Had you asked me before, I would have thought that nothing in that magazine would be interesting. I found articles in unusual places that related to my interest areas. I stopped thinking, “I only read this and that” or “I would never read that kind of magazine.”

That’s all there is to it. Because of my list, I gained new friends as well as the love of my life. I learned a few new skills, joined a band for awhile (believe it or not), and can now replace a doorknob when it needs replacing. Just looking at the list again after two years has passed by made me smile. It was one of the biggest catalysts for change I have ever found, and I only wish I could thank that woman who talked about hers on Oprah that day. Since seeing what a difference the list made for me, several of my friends have also started one for themselves. I can hardly wait to hear how it goes for them. It was as if I had been asleep and had suddenly woken up. I want to share that feeling with others.

Your list can include anything you want. If you are struggling, here are a few ideas that might help get you started:

1. Think of things you’ve always wanted to do but have put off.
2. Imagine what kind of person you want to meet and what might help you find them.
3. Think of new skills you can gain or old ones that need honing.
4. Think of the places in your life you feel stuck, and how to get “unstuck.” (For example, my former partner had always done all of the home repairs and tech stuff around the house. I was lost when it came to even putting phone numbers into my own cell phone until I challenged myself to get out of the stone age and face my fears).
5. Add things that increase gratitude or show appreciation to others. This will make you feel good.

Finally, don’t get too stressed out about all of this. You may not be able to do everything on your list. The point is to try. If it helps, think about it as your own personal social experiment. Changing and learning keep us young in attitude and spirit, no matter what our chronological age.

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