Resolutions, Meaningful Change: Challenging Your Self-Perceptions

January 5, 2008 Comment

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It is January 5^th today, and millions of us made a few resolutions in a sober or not-so-sober state on January 1^st. The gyms and weight loss programs are advertising everywhere, knowing that many Americans are vowing to put down the donuts and pick up the exercise habit to lose weight. Not that these aren’t valuable goals to have, but individuals seem to rarely keep their resolutions. I’m proposing a different type of commitment to change, one that had incredible results in my life and one that I think is actually more achievable for many people. Why? Because there is one overall goal with tiny mini-goals that are actually fun, simple, and only require your creativity and willingness to keep an open mind.

Several years ago, I was going through a major life transition. I was looking at the end of an 11-year relationship and realizing I just wasn’t happy with myself. I felt stuck. Yes, I am a therapist who helps lots of other people get out of their stuck places, but I couldn’t get a handle on how to get out of mine. What do many wise people do when they need inspiration? That’s right. I turned to our friend Oprah Winfrey. It just so happened that on that day, a woman in the audience talked about something she had done. She had reached one of those important ages; I can’t remember which, 30, 40, 50? Anyway, she had decided to write a list of the (let’s say 40) things I want to do in my 40^th year. She talked about trying to take herself out of the box we all create for ourselves, the box of who we have decided we are. I don’t think you have to be 40 to have put yourself in a box. I know as a teenager, I had already decided I was this kind of person or only liked that kind of music. The problem is that once you’ve put yourself in this box, you don’t expose yourself to experiences that challenge that sense of you that you put in that box. If you decide, I don’t like country music; you might not ever expose yourself to some that you might like. Consequently, that perception stays fixed in the box.

For me, that particular Oprah show inspired me to write 42 Things I Want to do in my 42^nd Year. It seems to me, it would be just as easy to write 20, 30, or 42 Things I’d like to do in 2008, or whatever year you might be reading this. Writing the list itself was one of the most exciting things I had done in a while. Already, I felt a sense of adventure and liked that I was doing something, anything to get out of my rut. So I hadn’t even completed any of my 42 things and already liked myself better! (By the way, I didn’t get all 42 done but I did do the majority). I realized I was bored. And someone along the way once told me that people who are bored are boring themselves. So I needed to expand my contacts, my interests, and my possibilities.

Some of the items focused on ways to meet others. For example, my first item was to meet friends who weren’t therapists. Naturally, we align with people who have similar interests and values but suddenly I found that almost all of my friends were in my field. Wouldn’t it be nice to have other people, with different opinions and different experiences of the world, to challenge me? I tried to think of new skills or interests I could develop which would help to connect me with others. So on my list went items like: ask a stranger to dance, learn a new card or board game, perform anything in front of more than 5 people (a personal fear), initiate a social activity at least once a week, take a cooking class, try online dating (which led to my current partnership). I added learning guitar by picking just one song to learn on electric guitar: Red House by Jimi Hendrix. This was one of my favorite songs and gave me a clear, enjoyable goal. I am not a great guitar player now, but find that suddenly I am able to have conversations with other guitar players, even ones who are 16 or 61. I hadn’t expected this great new way to form connections. I also challenged myself to create a web page, to write a complete song, and to perform at least 3 home repairs without help. Learning new skills made me more interested in life and hopefully more interesting. Along the way, I learned that I didn’t hate all rap or hip hop music. I had made it a goal to find one that I liked. I ended up finding several. Other items on the list included things as diverse as going on a road trip spontaneously, learning how to download mp3s and learning how to make 5 basic cocktails. I still keep my list and hope to eventually accomplish them all, including attending a Buddhist ceremony.

Doing this list changed my life in big and small ways. One item on the list challenged me to buy 3 magazines I wouldn’t normally buy and read them. I even found an article in Popular Mechanics that intrigued me. Had you asked me before, I would have thought that nothing in that magazine would be interesting. I found articles in unusual places that related to my interest areas. I stopped thinking, “I only read this and that” or “I would never read that kind of magazine.”

That’s all there is to it. Because of my list, I gained new friends as well as the love of my life. I learned a few new skills, joined a band for awhile (believe it or not), and can now replace a doorknob when it needs replacing. Just looking at the list again after two years has passed by made me smile. It was one of the biggest catalysts for change I have ever found, and I only wish I could thank that woman who talked about hers on Oprah that day. Since seeing what a difference the list made for me, several of my friends have also started one for themselves. I can hardly wait to hear how it goes for them. It was as if I had been asleep and had suddenly woken up. I want to share that feeling with others.

Your list can include anything you want. If you are struggling, here are a few ideas that might help get you started:

Think of things you’ve always wanted to do but have put off.
Imagine what kind of person you want to meet and what might help you find them.
Think of new skills you can gain or old ones that need honing.
Think of the places in your life you feel stuck, and how to get “unstuck.” (For example, my former partner had always done all of the home repairs and tech stuff around the house. I was lost when it came to even putting phone numbers into my own cell phone until I challenged myself to get out of the stone age and face my fears).
Add things that increase gratitude or show appreciation to others. This will make you feel good.

Finally, don’t get too stressed out about all of this. You may not be able to do everything on your list. The point is to try. If it helps, think about it as your own personal social experiment. Changing and learning keep us young in attitude and spirit, no matter what our chronological age.

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